When to see a doctor

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Don't wait to see whether it settles.

That third and fourth combination matters more than it sounds. It can indicate perforation, which is a surgical emergency.

Delay is the thing that turns a retrieval into an operation. Embarrassment costs you ten minutes. Waiting can cost you a hospital stay.

Make an appointment

Not an emergency, but don't leave these:

• Pain that's still there the next day and isn't settling
• Any bleeding beyond a light streak, or streaks that keep happening
• A tear that hasn't healed in two weeks
• Pain when you poo that's new and persistent
• Pain during sessions that used to be comfortable
• Ongoing pelvic ache, or pain sitting down

That last group can point to a pelvic floor problem. Those are real, common, and treatable, usually with physiotherapy rather than anything invasive.

Who to see

Urgent care or A&E for anything on the first list.

Your GP for the second. They can refer on.

A pelvic floor physiotherapist for ongoing pelvic pain or tension. This is a genuine speciality and they're very good at this.

A colorectal specialist for fissures that won't heal or recur.

What to actually say

Tell them what happened. Plainly, and accurately.

"I was using a sex toy anally and I think I've torn something." That's the whole sentence. It's enough.

You do not need to explain why, apologise, or dress it up as an accident. Inventing a story wastes time and can lead to the wrong examination.

They really have seen it

This is routine. Emergency departments deal with retained objects regularly enough that there's published research on managing them, which is where the figures above come from.

You will not be the strangest thing on their shift. You will probably not be the strangest thing that week.

What they'll do

Usually just look and ask questions. An examination might involve a gloved finger, and sometimes a short scope.

For a retained object they'll try the simplest thing first. Most come out without surgery, and the ones that need more are usually the ones that waited.

The one thing that makes it worse

Waiting.

Every single item on both lists gets harder to treat with time. Nothing on either list improves by being ignored, and the embarrassment does not decrease while you delay. It just gets more expensive.