Relaxing is the whole thing

You'd think the skill here is something you do. It's mostly something you stop doing.

That sounds like a throwaway line. It isn't. There's a number behind it.

The number

Researchers asked 1,190 men who'd had receptive anal sex in the past month whether it hurt. Fifty-nine percent said yes, at least somewhat.

Then they asked what those men thought caused it. The top answer wasn't size. It wasn't lube. It was psychological, at fifty-seven percent.

Sit up for that one. The men living it point at their own head before they point at anything physical.

So when we say relaxing is the technique, that's not a vibe. It's the thing most often standing between guys and a session that works.

Why your body doesn't take the order

Remember the two rings of muscle from the last level. The outer one takes orders. The inner one doesn't.

So "relax" is a confusing instruction. You'll squeeze the outer ring, then un-squeeze it, and think you've relaxed. Meanwhile the inner ring is doing exactly what it was doing before, because it never heard you.

The inner ring answers to different things:

• Time. It lets go on its own schedule, not yours.
• Warmth. A hot shower before a session does more than an hour of trying.
• Not being rushed. If part of you is listening for the front door, it stays shut.

That's the whole list. None of those are things you do with effort. They're things you set up and then wait out.

What "relaxed" actually feels like

Most guys stop at neutral. Not clenched, not doing anything. That's not it.

You want slack. Softer than you'd ever normally leave it. Like your whole undercarriage has given up and gone home.

Almost everybody holds tension down there permanently without noticing. You'll find out how much the first time you deliberately let go and something drops that you didn't know was up.

The out-breath does the work

Don't force your breathing. Just notice it, then let the out-breath do the letting go.

Breathe in, nothing changes. Breathe out, and let the whole area sink a little. Then again. You're not pushing anything down. You're getting out of the way of something that wants to settle.

If you catch yourself trying hard, you've already lost the thread. Trying is tension. That's the joke at the middle of this whole practice, and once it clicks, butt wow does everything get easier.

Set it up so relaxing is easy

• Warm. Shower first, or a warm room. Cold undoes everything.
• Private. Not "probably fine". Actually private, with time to spare.
• Lying down, knees bent, feet flat. Take the load off your hips.
• No clock, no phone, no plan to get somewhere.

The next step teaches your muscles the two halves of this on purpose. After that you'll run a full session with nothing going anywhere near your booty.