Receiving

Everything you've learned still applies. Angle over depth, lube, relaxed beats determined.

Three things change, and they're worth knowing before rather than after.

You lose the feedback loop

Solo, your hand knows what your body is feeling. Adjustment happens instantly without a thought.

With someone else, that loop is gone. They're working from what you tell them, and they have no idea what's happening in there. A partner can be doing everything right and be two centimetres off, and neither of you would know without you saying so.

Talking during isn't a mood-killer here. It's the control system.

It's harder to relax

You're managing an extra thing: how it's going for them.

Wondering whether they're bored, whether you're taking too long, whether you look ridiculous. All of that is tension, and tension is the thing that stops this working.

Which is why the previous step said to talk about it beforehand. The less uncertainty you carry in, the less of your attention it takes.

That's the normal shape. If your first partnered attempt is less good than you're used to, nothing's wrong.

Someone else can reach angles you can't

The upside, and it's a real one.

You've been contorting to reach yourself. A partner isn't, so they can hold a steady angle indefinitely without their wrist giving out.

What to actually say

Simple and specific beats polite.

• "A bit more toward my front."
• "Stop moving, just hold it there."
• "Slower."
• "That. Stay exactly there."
• "More lube."

Agree beforehand that plain instructions are welcome and not criticism. It saves a lot of hedging in the moment.

Do it yourself first, if you can

The receivers who describe the smoothest first partnered session had already worked out where things are on their own.

It's not a rule. It's that partnered sessions cost you the feedback loop, and arriving with a map of your own body means you can say "further forward" or "stop moving, stay exactly there" instead of "I don't know, keep going I suppose". Guessing together is a slower way to learn than guessing alone and then reporting.

The bit you'll want to hide, and shouldn't

At some point it will feel like you need a wee, or like you need a poo, and you'll clamp down on it.

Both are normal. The first is the gland being pressed with your urethra running through it — it's the sign you were after. The second is pressure in a place that only ever means one thing to your body.

Say so out loud. Not as an apology, just as information: that's the pee thing, keep going. Men who swallow it and quietly tense up end the session there, every time, and their partner has no idea why it stopped working.

Put a dark towel down beforehand so there is nothing left to be embarrassed about, and then there's nothing to hide.

Your one job

Relax. That's it.

Not to perform enjoyment, not to make it worth their time, not to get somewhere so the session counts as a success.

They're handling technique. Your entire contribution is being relaxed enough for it to work, plus telling them what's happening. If you're doing those two things, you're doing the whole job.

The rules don't change

The next step is stopping specifically, because with two people it stops being automatic.