Giving

This step is for the person doing the touching. If that's not you, hand them your phone.

The short version

Slow. Lots of lube. Angle toward their front, not deeper. Steady pressure beats movement. Stop the second they say stop.

That's most of it. The rest is detail.

What you're aiming for

Their prostate sits a couple of inches in, toward the front of their body. Not deep. If you're pushing further to find it, you've gone past it.

With a finger, that's roughly to the second knuckle, then curl toward their belly button like you're beckoning.

You're feeling for a firm rounded area against the front wall, slightly firmer than everything around it. Somewhere between a walnut and a large grape.

Gloves are worth considering

Not mentioned nearly enough, and they solve three problems at once.

Nitrile gloves cover any nail edge you missed, they make the whole thing slippier for the same amount of lube, and they take the mess question off the table for both of you. That last one matters more than it sounds: a receiving partner who isn't quietly worrying is a receiving partner who can relax, and relaxing is the entire job.

Nitrile rather than latex, because latex allergies exist and you may not know about one until you're finding out the hard way. Unpowdered.

If either of you finds them clinical, don't. This is a comfort tool, and using one that makes the room feel like a surgery is a bad trade.

Lube, then more lube

More than seems reasonable. Then top it up.

Bodies don't produce their own here, and water-based lube dries out partway through. If anything starts feeling draggy, stop and add more. That's not an interruption, it's maintenance.

Steady beats busy

The instinct is to move: rubbing, tapping, in and out. Mostly wrong.

Find the spot, apply gentle pressure, and then just hold it. Count to thirty before you consider changing anything. Most of what happens here is slow, and it can't build if the input keeps changing.

How much pressure: think pressing a doorbell you don't want to break. The nerves you're stimulating sit on the surface of the gland, so contact is what does the work. Leaning harder past the point of contact adds nothing except soreness tomorrow.

Say out loud that you're not trying to achieve anything

The single best thing a partner reported doing happened before anything was touched.

She told him she wanted to learn how to do this, that it can take a long time to work out, and that the only goal tonight was learning his body and making him feel good. No target. Nothing to fail at.

That matters more coming from you than from him. He can tell himself not to chase it and not believe a word of it. Hearing that you aren't keeping score is what actually lets him stop keeping score.

The moment it usually goes wrong, and what to say

There's a specific point where this stalls, and it's the same one nearly every time.

He'll get somewhere, then stop himself, because it suddenly feels like he needs a wee. That feeling is the urethra running through the gland you're pressing. It's the signal you were both waiting for, and his instinct is to shut it down out of embarrassment.

You cannot make someone relax by telling them to relax. You can remove the specific thing they're bracing against, which is being embarrassed in front of you. Put a dark towel down before you start and say so.

Same applies to the other one: it very often feels like he needs a poo. That's normal, it's the pressure, and saying so casually beforehand takes the fear out of it.

Keep your wrist still and move your body

Practical, and it fixes the most common complaint.

Holding a steady position with your hand alone means small tremors, drift and fatigue, and the receiver feels every wobble. The partner who solved it kept her wrist and arm rigid and rocked her whole body to make the movement instead.

Rhythm from the body, not the fingers. It's steadier, it lasts much longer before you tire, and it's the difference between pressure that builds and pressure that keeps resetting.

Things they can't tell you in the moment

Some of this is hard to say while it's happening, so here it is in advance.

They may need several minutes of nothing before anything works. If you go straight to the target, their body won't be ready. Time spent doing very little at the start isn't wasted.

A sudden urge to pee is normal. If they mention it, that usually means you've found the right spot. It typically fades with steady contact.

Silence doesn't mean it's not working. It often means the opposite. Deep concentration looks like nothing much from outside.

They might not get anywhere. That's extremely normal, especially early on, and it isn't a reflection on you.

Your own head

Two things worth knowing.

It's not a performance you're being marked on. Someone lying still and quiet is usually a good sign.

And it can take a long time with no visible result. If you need this to produce something to feel worthwhile, that pressure transmits, and pressure is exactly what stops it working.

The one absolute

The next step is about that specifically.